Some people may wonder why I am writing a blog about my alcoholism. They may wonder why I would want to share all the horrible things I did while drinking. Why would I want people I don’t even know, to know all the skeletons in my closet? The shame, the guilt, the pain; why not just let all that be in the past? Why even remember? True, it would be easier to forget about that part of my life, the all day drunks, the constant lies, the pain I caused others. To block out with drawls, rehab, and countless losses. But would I really be in recovery then? Would I really be an honest example of someone whose life had changed? Or would I still just be hiding?
While I was using, I was hiding in the dark. My whole life was a secret. I lied about everything, from what I did that day, to why I wasn’t showing up for life. I spent so much time hiding in the filth of my addiction, that I completely lost who I was. I had once been a girl of dreams, hopes, and talents. I was caring and compassionate and these were gifts God gave me to use. Alcoholism took each and every single one of these things away from me. My family, my friends, my schooling, my morals, even my love for writing. They were all wiped out by the bottle. While I once cared fiercely for people, I now only looked out for number one.
I spent so much time in bondage, chained to my addiction. My entire life revolved around it. I tried again and again to get out of the nightmare, to stay sober and some how get my life back. Each time I failed.
“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimly pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” (Psalm 40:1-2)
When God got a hold of me, I was stuck up to my neck in the garbage of my addiction. I was stuck in the pit, in the horrible endless nitemare that alcoholism, or any addiction for that matter, becomes. I was out of options and had no hope in me. There was nothing I was doing on my own that was saving me from death. Slowly, through His grace and love, He pulled me out and began to transform my life. Where there was once only darkness and sin, now there was light. I felt as if I was coming back to life.
By writing about my experiences with alcoholism, it brings my lie to the light. I desire to bring honor and praise to God because of what He has done for my life and so I have to tell the whole story. This causes alcoholism to lose its power over me, the chains that once held me captive are broken. I am no longer ashamed of my alcoholism, it is no longer my identity. It is simply something that happened in my life that God used to change me. As crazy as it may sound, I am thankful to be an alcoholic, because God used it to draw me to Him. I know what it is like to live a life with my back turned away from Him, and I never want to face that direction again.
The Bible tells us in Romans 8:28: “And we no that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” I am watching God use my alcoholism for a greater purpose, to bring Him glory and hopefully help other people struggling with the same thing. I am someone who was broken, left in a pit of despair to die alone in the darkness. God reached His hand into that pit and pulled me out. I am not special, I didn’t do something amazing to earn my rescue. That is just who Jesus is. He is the fixer of broken souls. He can take something that is broken beyond repair and turn it into something beautiful. All you have to do is trust in Him.
So why do I write my blog? Because when someone saves a life, they are known as a hero. They are splashed across the front page of papers, given medals of honor, and regarded with honor. That is all I am doing. I am honoring the hero that saved my life. The one who willingly gave up His life, so that we may live.
“I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly.” (Psalm 40 9-10)